Should I accept it, or should I change it?

I was reminded today of a simple diagram in Stephen R Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Covey suggests we draw or imagine a circle, called our circle of concern. This circle contains within it all the things we are concerned with in our life. Within that circle is a smaller one, containing the things we are concerned about that we can actually influence. This is our circle of influence. He asks us to examine where we are directing our focus. Are we focussing on the things we cannot influence but are concerned about, or the things we can actually influence or change?

This question is vital to getting a grip on worry, which is my current research topic. Many of us spend most of our time and energy thinking or worrying about the things over which we have no influence at all. Usually these are other people, situations and events, past happenings and future worries. All of which are outside us and impossible to control, change or exert influence over. Worry can become obsessive, compulsive, so that we believe we must worry in order to stop bad things from happening, or to keep ourselves or our loved ones safe.

So if those are the things outside our circle of influence, what is actually inside it? We are. Our selves, our bodies, to some extent, our actions, reactions, behaviour, attitudes, emotions. Some of these, sometimes, we would prefer not to think about and certainly would rather not be responsible for. It’s so much easier, and feels more comfortable, for example, to focus on the bad behaviour of someone we have a relationship with, whether colleague, friend, family or significant other, than to take responsibility for our own part of the relationship and see what action we can take to improve things. This action may simply be to remove ourselves, but there is nearly always something we can do, and trying to control someone else is nearly always futile.

It can be hard to accept responsibility for our circle of influence and let go of the habit of trying to control the outer circle of concern. This is why I think the diagram helps. If you’ve not come across this before, why not draw one now? See what falls in each circle and then ask yourself what you are focussing on. Where is your energy going? Are you wasting it on the outer circle or investing it in the inside one?

For the more spiritually minded, this concept is also perfectly expressed by a little prayer, affectionately known as the Serenity Prayer. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. If something is bothering me, I ask myself which bit of the Serenity Prayer my problem falls into. If it’s the first, I need to accept it. I may not like it, but not accepting something I can’t change is like arguing with reality: crazy and exhausting. If it falls into the second bit, then I need to take responsibility and take action. Simple, and it works.