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Being Well

Dealing with Big Problems 7 – staying present part 1

By September 17, 20128 Comments

Babies live in the here and now. They cry if they are cold, hungry or wet. The problem is resolved, they stop crying and feel happy again. They don’t remember the unpleasant feelings they had just a few moments ago, and they certainly don’t worry about future hunger, cold or discomfort. But we all know that, gradually, as we grow up, we become aware that we are a separate human being and we lose absolute faith that our carers will look after our every need. Small children learn to worry about being separated from their mothers, school, nasty things a friend has said. They are already aware of past and future, and allow themselves to be torn away from the present by memories of the past and fears about the future.

And, by the time we are adults, we are expert at living far away from the here and now. We may be racked with resentment about things that have happened in the past, sometimes many years ago. The past can also drag us away from the now in the form of regret and self pity. Fear, anxiety and worry usually fast-forward us into the future. We may be afraid of a phone call we have to make in a minute, anxious about the week ahead, or worried that our financial situation will worsen over the coming year. It’s quite common to bounce between past regrets and future worries with only the most cursory acknowledgement of the now.

I know this because I have missed weeks, months, maybe years of my life doing this. Turning over and over in my mind the many past events that I still found painful, reminding myself about what I saw as failures and wishing that things had gone differently. And when I wasn’t doing that, I was worrying about the future. Tomorrow, next week, next year. Paying so much attention to the past and the future that I never noticed that now was actually OK.

Things got a lot better when I learned about living in the day. I was lucky enough to be told, forcefully, by many people, that these 24 hours are all that we have and that if we live them well we don’t need to worry about the future or dwell on the past. What a relief; of course I didn’t just stop thinking about the past and future but I did learn that this ingrained habit is unnecessary and damaging.

Then, I read Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now. Wow, what a revelation! This very moment, this instant that we are living in, right now, is all that there is. The past and future exist only in our imagination. If you really sit down and think what that means, it can be dizzying. I can remember a moment when I visualised myself hurtling through time, perched on an instant called “now”, with nothing behind me and nothing in front of me because those things we call past and future are just pictures I create in my head. And at that moment, I actually grabbed the arms of the chair I was sitting in because this thought, this understanding, tipped the world as I knew it upside down.

Now, of course I still think about the past and the future. Sometimes a lot. It’s necessary to plan and sometimes it helps to reflect, and sometimes I lose myself in brooding and apprehension. Did you see that? I said “lose myself”; that’s exactly what happens! But these days I do often remind myself of that moment when I really understood that the past and present are just fictions, and bring myself back to now. Today, I have a choice. We all do.

But it’s not just the now that we need to stay in. I call this tool “staying present” because I need to be here as well as now. Present is being in the here and now. I remember so clearly the day I learned about being here. I was at an event with a member of my family who is known for being outspoken and sometimes controversial. I sat next to him as he talked to the group, and worried that he would say something that people would not like. I wanted everyone to like him and I didn’t want him to upset anyone. And then when people from the group responded, I worried about what each person was about to say and whether they would object to my relative’s comments, and whether they would upset him. I started to get really uncomfortable. I was sitting in my chair but in my head I was trying to control what each person said and keep everything nice and happy. Then, the moment came when I said to myself, “Harriet, just sit in your chair!” Ah, the relief! I hadn’t realised that, although I was physically sitting in a chair, my mind was somewhere else entirely.

And of course this can happen on a larger or grander scale. Who hasn’t been on holiday and worried about what is going on at work, how much mail is piling up at home, and whether the dog is OK in kennels? And then we bring ourselves back to the sea, the mountains or the foreign city and realise that we have been “miles away”. Another common phrase that shows we all do this far too often.

So we don’t just miss the present moment, we miss out on what is happening in the place where we are. We allow ourselves to be whisked “miles away”. Sometimes this doesn’t matter, if the daydream is pleasant and if we are not missing anything lovely, important or uplifting. But, all too commonly, there is stress attached to our lack of presence. This may be because we are fretting about things we can’t change in the past or can’t influence in the future, or it may be simply because we are too busy turning things over in our minds when it is actually a time to be still, quiet and calm.

In my next post about presence I’ll tell you exactly how I learned to become more present and make some helpful suggestions, and it would be wonderful to hear how you become present, too. Please leave me a comment and let me know.

8 Comments

  • Amy Putkonen says:

    Such important words, Harriet! I love this. Imagine how wonderful the world would be if we all were in the present every moment!

    I found an iphone app the other day that has a random timer on it. It is called Mindfullness and you can set it to go off at random times within a certain timeframe, say you set it to go off three times within a five minute period. It is a pretty cool way to teach yourself to stay present. Each time the bell goes off, you can check and see if you are being present or if you are off in your thoughts.

  • Liz says:

    When I get fearful or stressed I try to bring myself back to the present. I practice my in breath and out breath and calm myself while I find that quiet place inside me, fairly new ideas to me. I know that truth lies here in the moment and not in the past(pain) or future. To much input from my own brain and thinking are there! Week 5 of singledom and scary as hell but in this quiet place inside me a new freedom is blossoming x

  • Reminds me of an old saying – yesterday is gone, tomorrow hasn’t happened, we must enjoy today as a gift, that’s why it called the ‘present’.

    Nice post – I would add a note of caution, that we can’t totally forget the future, otherwise our present will turn into being a tramp in the gutter, but I like the idea of making deliberate scheduled stops to make sure we enjoy the present.

    Cheers, Gordon

  • Kama says:

    Such a huge topic and one of so much importance. I love the fact that once we have grasped this concept of the present, and we practice it, we continue to improve upon it. The more we practice, the less our thoughts disturb us. I can’t remember when I understood with my mind the importance of being in the present, I think I was about 11 years old and I was in hospital once again having my hips put in to place. I found that it helped my fear if I stayed in the moment.

    I understood the importance of being in the present moment in my heart and soul about 6 years ago, when I attended a 3 week silent retreat. No distractions meant my mind sped up to torment me more than usual. The only way to calm it was to stay in the present moment. I learnt then how much chatter really does go through our minds. It was an incredible experience that changed my life.

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